I haven’t given up on the church, but I definitely feel like the church has given up on me.
Most days It’s hard to articulate what I want to say. Last year I didn’t complete a new poem because of writer’s block. Sometimes I argue with God a lot. He knows what he is doing. I don’t. But I feel entitled to defend myself over my perceived injustices he’s putting me through. I’m not as close to God as I want to be. I’m not as close to God as I should be. Last year I didn’t read my bible nearly as much as I should have. Sometimes people get on my nerves. I hate being told what to do. Sometimes I curse to myself when no one is listening. I sometimes hurt people I love, but I don’t know how to handle it, so I keep it locked up eventhough It’s killing me inside. When people hurt me I easily forgive, but have a terrible time looking at them the same way again. I hold grudges eventhough God didn’t hold one against me. Most nights as I say my prayers I feel unworthy of love and grace. I’m insecure. I don’t feel comfortable in church anymore. I haven’t given up on the church, but I definitely feel like the church has given up on me. I understand how people are hurt by the church and why they leave the church.
Even with all of my doubts and struggles. I know there is a purpose in and for my life. I’m constantly pursuing God’s will in my life and basking in his love and grace. I’m stoked on the poetic inspirations God is giving me. I can’t wait to strengthen my relationship with God. I’m already pushing reading my bible more. I can’t wait to be married. I can’t wait for more ministering oppurtunities with Megan. I’m so pumped to continue building friendships. I can’t wait to deeply root myself in a bible believing theologically sound church. I can’t wait to create an environment that will help people enjoy the church experience. I’m so pumped on what God is going to do in this new year.